Bart Rowell’s Favorite Game of All Time: River City Ransom

Written by: Bart Rowell

I don’t remember a lot about 1990.  Hazy memories of wall-to-wall news coverage of the first Gulf War compete for brain storage with ridiculous things like an intense desire for a Starter pullover jacket.  Never mind the fact that I lived in an area that saw maybe 2-3 weeks of winter each year.  Everyone else in school had that pullover, so I needed it.

But more than either of those things, I remember being consumed by an addiction.  I had a fever.  And since Christopher Walken wouldn’t introduce me to the curative properties of cowbell for another decade, there was no cure in sight. No, for now, I was a slave to the greatest NES game ever published.

River City Ransom.

I’m sure I had an awesome party at home or Chuck E. Cheese’s (or maybe it was still Showbiz), but the only thing I can vividly recall from my magical 11^th birthday is inserting that cartridge into the Nintendo Entertainment System and having my life changed forever.

Parties are fleeting.  River City Ransom taught me life lessons.

The Squids, Frat Guys, Cowboys, and other antagonistic groups weren’t really street gangs; they were cliques.  Each was a group of kids with common general interests, similar wardrobes, and its own ridiculous slang.

Maybe you beat up thugs for an hour and stole their money to buy some Texas Boots.  Or maybe you spent hours or days mowing lawns, doing chores, etc. to save up for something ridiculous like a winter coat in a near-tropic environment.  The lesson is the same: being a slave to fashion is expensive and time-consuming.

We’ve all had a fist fight on the roof of our school with a megalomaniacal gang leader who kidnapped our girlfriend.  And who hasn’t beaten a man until he barfed?

River City Ransom also pushed boundaries.  Fifteen years before Rockstar was scalding the world’s lap with hot coffee, Technos Japan was steaming up TV screens with some hot, super deformed heiney.

And we haven’t even talked about the best beat ‘em up action in the history of forever.  You start out with a simple punch, kick, and jump kick as your offensive weapons, but you can pick up chains, trash cans, tires, and more to pummel goons.  Buy some books, toys, and food at the mall to boost your martial arts prowess and stats, and you can customize your experience however you see fit.  Have you ever dreamed of kicking a trashcan so hard it could kill someone?  River City Ransom makes dreams like that come true.

If you’re still not convinced this is the best game ever, did I mention the complimentary smiles?