The Worst 5 People You Encounter At Walmart

My dear mother always told me not to say anything bad about a person unless I could say something good as well.  Furthermore, modern research has shown it takes 4 compliments to counteract 1 criticism.  With that preface in mind, let me state for the record that I “get” Walmart.  I know it has become popular among internet pseudo-intellectuals who will pay $7.50 for a cup of coffee to look down at Walmart and shake their caffeinated fingers at corporate America.  My reply to those people is “piss off”.  God forbid an American family who is struggling in a tough economy shops at a store that will save them money.  Furthermore, Walmart does especially well in smaller, rural towns.  Throw in the fact Walmart rarely closes stores, and you have stable and secure jobs in areas that need them.  None of this means, however, I’ll like shopping there.  Behold, the five people who are most likely to make your shopping experience an epic nightmare of H.P. Lovecraft proportions.  My point of view is from occasional Walmart shopper and former employee.

5.  “CHARLENE”:  If you have ever spent more than 10 minutes inside of a Walmart, then you have encountered multiple Charlenes.  Charlene doesn’t really have blonde hair.  Her cheeks really aren’t that shade of pink.  Her high heels reveal Charlene really isn’t that tall.  In fact, the only thing that is real on Charlene is her ample bosom stuffed with two FFF beach balls.  You fully expect a spaghetti strap from her tank top to snap in half at any second, sending the aforementioned beach balls into a crowd of shoppers to be batted around.  But Charlene isn’t the first or last woman to put on too much makeup.  No, Charlene ruins your shopping experience because she’s talking.  To her kids.  To her neighbor.  To her extended family.  To her cell phone.  Worst of all, she’s doing it in one spot:  the spot where you need to grab an item from the shelf to be exact.  You will most frequently encounter Charlene standing in front of a Diet Coke display…with 3 shopping carts of E.L. Fudge cookies and pudding pops.  And you haven’t seen the last of those 3 shopping carts, either.  While she’s taking her time in the store, she gets in a big hurry when it’s time to checkout.  Better take those 3 shopping carts to the express lane…

 

4.  “ASSISTANT MANAGER”:  Number 4 on the list comes more from the viewpoint of a former employee of Wal-Mart.  While the position of Assistant Manager is actually a really good job in those small rural towns I referenced earlier, Mr. Assistant Manager would have you believe he’s one step below Bill Gates.  He views himself as the next Titan of Industry.  Any day now, he’s going to get the phone call from Warren Buffet asking him to be on the board of directors for Berkshire Hathaway.  From the shopper’s point of view, Assistant Manager will ruin your day by being no help whatsoever.  You could be in the check-out line with a new copy of TES: Skyrim, a stuffed-crust DiGiorno pizza, and 6-pack of Blue Moon, and Assistant Manager will stand in line behind you just prattling on about making your shopping experience better.  Buddy, I’ve got a new game, a pizza, and beer.  I just need you to get the fuck out of my way.  And when you REALLY need someone in charge?  Well, the toy aisle just became the Bermuda Triangle and our Assistant Manager has been sucked away through a wormhole to another dimension.  I sometimes wonder if those red vests they’re wearing aren’t some kind of chameleon armor, a la Predator.

 

 

3.  “ANGRY MOM”:  Maybe it’s her job. It could be her cheating husband.  It might be the bitch in the cubicle across from her.  Whatever the problem is, Angry Mom would rather be some place other than Walmart.  As a result, we all pay the price.  Nothing you do will make Angry Mom happy again.  You can try and move your cart out of her way, but you still get a dirty look as she wheels past you at speeds that only Jeff Gordon can appreciate.  If you’re an employee of Walmart, DO NOT GET IN THIS WOMAN’S WAY.  She will kneecap you with her cart, drop an ax from hardware on your toe, and call Assistant Manager on you when you try to call her out on her Sean Penn-like behavior.  Angry Mom is at her absolute worst during the Christmas shopping season.  My advice to all of you is to simply avoid her territory during the holidays.  Find another store.  A stampeding rhino with an inner ear infection could not be more dangerous.

 

2.  “MANIAC KID”:  It has been said the Devil himself picked his favorite children to work in retail.  I disagree.  He picked his favorite children to shop at Walmart.  I don’t care what Mom and Dad have put into their cart, it’s not enough for Little Johnny Rowdybastard.  HE WANTS MORE!!!  Nothing can stave off his cyclopean hunger for food, toys, and attention!  He doesn’t listen to his parents.  He ignores your attempts to move him out of your way.  Maniac Kid won’t even listen to Assistant Manager!  Kids like these are why my wife and I have made the decision to not procreate.  Unfortunately, it works because  Maniac Kid usually ends up getting his way.  The fallout from this is Maniac Kid eventually grows up and turns into Date Rapist, or worse, Assistant Manager.  In all seriousness, Maniac Kid does morph into number 1 on my list…

 

1.  “WIFEBEATER”:  Whereas Angry Mom probably has a good reason for being angry (we just hate that she directs it at us), Wifebeater is fueled only by equal parts self-righteousness, Jack Daniel’s Whiskey, and former sports glory.  Wifebeater probably drives a $650 1981 Camaro with a $3500 MTX sound system.  (How else is the whole parking lot going to listen to AC/DC’s “Thunderstruck”?)  Wifebeater also wants to park his hot rod right next to you.  As a general rule, he is usually ready to fight.  Maybe you made eye contact with him.  Maybe you just happen to be driving a foreign-made car.  But Wifebeater doesn’t confine himself to the parking lot.  You can’t berate and belittle your wife from the parking lot.  You can’t show everyone your Rock Band skills in the Electronics Department from the Camaro.  And let’s face it, only Wifebeater knows the exact hair products he needs to keep that mullet in tiptop shape.  Lucky for us, Wifebeater brings his meth-fueled rage into the store, and inevitably into the department you happen to be shopping in.

 

So there you have it.  My list of the 5 people who will ruin your Walmart experience.  Let me know who I missed in the comments below.  Feedback is also welcome at steve@thegamersthumb.com.

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