The Gamer’s Gray Pubes

It’s official: The Gamer’s Middle Finger is now a withered and bony digit made crooked by the wear and tear of a thousand video games and a soul consuming job.  In other words, I am old.

Outside of the obvious answer that we age every single day of our lives, I’m not sure how this happened.  Middle age crept up like a thief in the night and stole all of my vigor, resiliency, and fortitude, though I should have seen this coming.

I actually started listening to AM radio about 6 years ago.  AM radio is the first sign of old age.  Don’t even try to justify listening to it.  I tried to tell myself that I was listening to the local feed of ESPN Radio, and that this made tuning into AM…well, OK.  It doesn’t.  Between smart phones, internet connections, and satellite radios, there are more than enough ways to pick up ESPN Radio so you don’t have to stick a coat hanger covered in tin foil on the back of your home stereo.  Using AM radio essentially says “I no longer am smart enough to use technology”.

The next sign of the age-ocalypse happened 2 years ago.  At this time, I bought my first elastic-waist khaki shorts.  Before anyone laughs, I encourage all men to give them a try.  NOTHING is more comfortable to wear.  Of course, elastic-waist shorts tells the world “I have a gut, and I will never address it ever again.”  I can only presume my next step is to purchase Velcro tennis shoes.

Around this same time, I got my first iPod Touch.  The first App I downloaded was not Twitter, Angry Birds, or Words With Friends.  It was the goddamn Weather Channel.  Why?  For 31 years, I got out of bed every day and walked out the fucking door, having no more knowledge of the weather other than it’s hot in July and cold in December.  I did just fine knowing those two facts, and adjusting accordingly.  I hit my 30’s, and I’m suddenly ready to build a Doppler 5000 weather radar in the backyard next to the hummingbird feeder.  It’s not like my job closes down because of the weather either.  If you don’t come to work because of snow, you are expected to make it up or take one of your vacation days.

I never realized what was happening at the time each of those milestones occurred.  It wasn’t until I went out for drinks with co-workers a few weeks ago, and helped a friend move this past weekend, that I came to the conclusion I was old.  After consuming a number of drinks at the Mellow Mushroom with my office mates, I was ready to go home at 8:30 PM.  I didn’t want to go out to any of the bars.  I didn’t want to go to sing karaoke.  I no longer wanted to talk to anyone.  I just wanted to come home and see who was on Bill O’Reilly’s show…and take a quick look at the radar on the Weather Channel.  Helping my friend move wasn‘t any better.  Moving was a tough job ten years ago.  After 8 years of sitting in an air-conditioned office, moving is near impossible.  I was exhausted at the end.  I couldn’t fucking raise my arms the next day.  Muscles I didn’t even know existed were hurting the following morning.  It was absolutely pathetic.  I grew up helping my dad work on the family farm.  Our only heat in the house was a wood burning stove so I spent many an afternoon chopping wood.  Now, one three-hour move left me paralyzed.

Despite all of this, I think your patience erodes more than anything else as you age.  It’s why we naturally become more conservative as we get older.  You just don’t have any tolerance for stupid shit.  When you’re young and liberal, you think the less successful in life just haven’t been given the same opportunities as everyone else.  But then you get a job and go to work every day.  You buy a house.  You pay taxes.  In other words, you get your shit together and make something of yourself despite your circumstances.  This leads you to ask the inevitable question in a moment of quiet contemplation:  Why can’t everyone else do the same?

Now how does all of this tie into video games?  I bought Demons’ Souls a few years back, and played it for two hours.  I loved that game.  It had awesome atmosphere, and you could almost see the dew on the game disc from the haunted game world’s fog.  Then I played Demons’ Souls for two more hours, and never progressed any further than the point I arrived at during my first two hours of play.  As most of you are aware by now, Demons’ Souls is a punishing and difficult game.  You are expected to learn by trial and error.  I know I’m supposed to respect an old school challenge, but much of Demons’ Souls was just bad game design.  I don’t have the patience for such a game any more.  Because my wife and I have no children, I have some disposable income.  We’re not wealthy or anywhere near, but if I want to go buy a game right now, I can.  My point is to not brag about the size of my game collection (less than 10 games), but to point out that I have options now.  Replaying the same stretch of game over and over is not fun; it’s frustrating.  When frustration trumps fun, I’m going to go play one of the many other fantastic games on the market.

Instead of being depressed about aging, I think I’m going to embrace it.  I’ve always envied cantankerous old men who speak their mind with little regard for the feelings of others.  Dennis Miller once joked he had an uncle who answered the telephone with “Bite me, you beady-eyed baboon fucker.”  While I can’t necessarily go to those lengths while answering the telephone at work, I think I might go buy some Velcro tennis shoes.  I’m going to wear a belt AND suspenders.  I will no longer pluck unsightly nose and ear hairs.  I will eat oatmeal for dinner.  I will refer to my couch as a “davenport”.  Above all, I will turn off that goddamn Demons’ Souls game, and play The ELDER Scrolls: Skyrim.  See you next week, people.  If I wake up from my nap, that is…
Are you getting old?  When did you realize you were?  Let the world know in the comments below.  If you’re painfully shy in your old age, send me a note at steve@thegamersthumb.com.

The Gamer's Gray Pubes, 5.0 out of 5 based on 3 ratings