Big Trouble in Little China: A Running Diary

Ladies, let me clue you in on a little secret about men:  Most of us just want to be 13-years old our entire lives.  Life was awesome as a young guy because the weight of the world and the expectations of society had not yet been heaped upon your still developing shoulders.  Your world revolved around sneaking a peek at an older brother’s Playboys, watching action movies, reading comic books, and getting into hilarious shenanigans with your friends.  It’s no wonder then that Big Trouble in Little China is one of my all-time favorite movies.  It really has everything that any 13-year old or wannabe 13-year old could hope for.  Made in 1986, Big Trouble in Little China was horror maven John Carpenter’s tribute to kung fu and John Wayne.  Two friends go on a quest to recover what they love most.  For Chinese immigrant Wang Chi, that would be his kidnapped fiancee. For American trucker Jack Burton, it’s his stolen semi tractor trailer, The Pork Chop Express.  Their quest was set against a backdrop of gunfights, martial arts, and Chinese mysticism.  In other words, pure cinema bliss.  Unfortunately, most of America disagreed.  Good ol’ Wikipedia reports the movie had a budget of approximately $25 million dollars.  It only made $11.1 million.  The movie was a complete flop at release, and in some of the first signs of oncoming political correctness, many reviewers complained about Chinese ethnic stereotypes.  The movie really gained steam however when it hit the VHS market.  People who actually believe movies are supposed to be fun bought up copies of the movie and made their friends watch it.  Big Trouble in Little China now enjoys a loyal cult following.

During a recent shopping excursion, I saw BTILC on Blu-Ray for $10.  I already owned the DVD version of the movie, but wanted to see how it looked in Blu.  I also thought it was time to take a fresh look at this treasure of American cinema.  Before I go on, I want to give credit where credit is due.  This piece will be written in the “running diary” format popularized by ESPN’s Bill Simmons.  Simmons is my favorite writer on sports and pop culture, and if you tell me in the comments below that I’m a shallow copy of the original, I completely agree with you.  I encourage any fan of sports/pop culture to check out his new website Grantland.com.  (Just make sure you read thegamersthumb.com before you do.)  As such, I’m giving you the entire plot of the movie.  These things are written under the assumption you’ve already seen the movie.  If you haven’t, consider this the obligatory “Spoilers Ahead” warning.

00:02:23-In the opening scene of the movie, we meet Egg Shen.  Egg Shen is an elderly Chinese man played perfectly by the late great Victor Wong.  Egg is meeting with an attorney.  For the record, Egg tells his attorney his name and that he is a tour bus driver in Chinatown.  We learn right away that extraordinary events have just happened.  Egg’s attorney tells him he needs to explain the green flames that leveled a city block.  His attorney seems incredulous when Egg reveals magic is the source.  When his lawyer asks for proof that magic is real, Egg raises his hands and forms an arc of electricity between them.  His attorney, barely listening before, suddenly takes great interest in the story Egg has to tell.  I can only imagine Casey Anthony doing something similar with her attorney.  I see her going on and on about how there’s a perfectly good reason she’s dancing at the clubs while her baby is missing.  When it becomes apparent that Jose Baez isn’t listening to her, she turns a coffee mug into a plastic bag and some duct tape.  I bet Senor Smirk paid attention then…

00:02:55-We now meet one of the heroes of our movie:  Jack Burton, played by the vastly underrated Kurt Russell.  (Brief rant here:  It’s not that I decided I liked Kurt Russell at an early age and would watch his movies no matter what.  It’s just that one day I realized he was the star of three movies in my personal Top 10:  Tombstone, The Best of Times, and Big Trouble in Little China.  I bet he’s the star of a lot of your favorites, too.  In addition to BTILC, he also has Star Gate, The Thing, Death Proof, and Escape from NY/LA to his nerd credit.)  The inspiration for Burton is clearly John Wayne.  Russell speaks the entire film with a Wayne twang.  Burton also channels a lot of Ash from the Evil Dead movies.  Burton is one of our heroes, but he’s pretty buffoonish, too.  His opening lines are a soliloquy spoken into his semi truck’s (The Pork Chop Express) CB radio to no one in particular:  “Like I told my last wife, I says, ‘Honey, I never drive faster than I can see.  Besides that, it’s all in the reflexes.’”  Reflexes will become an integral part of this movie.

00:05:50-So Jack has just arrived in Chinatown to deliver his cargo.  It is here we meet his old friend, Wang Chi, played perfectly by Dennis Dun.  Jack and Wang are playing fan-tan with some of the other merchants.  Jack has quite a run of luck, and from the best we can tell, totally cleans out the other players to the tune of $1,148.  Wang wants to go double or nothing on a side bet.  Wang bets Jack he can chop an empty beer bottle in half with his knife.  Wang strikes the bottle with the knife.  As expected, it does not break.  Instead, the bottle goes ricocheting towards Jack’s head.  Before the bottle strikes him, Jack quickly catches the bottle an inch from his face.  As an incredulous Wang stares at Jack, Mr. Burton reminds us “It’s all in the reflexes”.  Wang now owes Jack $1,148 X 2.  Oh, but Wang doesn’t have the money on him.  It’s at his restaurant.  Because this is a movie, they can’t go get the money right away.  Wang has a small errand he needs to run first, and asks Jack to accompany him to the airport.  It seems Wang’s fiancee is arriving in the U.S. on this fateful day.

00:10:12-Our next major character is introduced at the airport:  a lawyer named Gracie…Law.  I’m sorry, but you can’t do that.  You can’t name a character after what their occupation is.  If this is the way the world is going to work, then I insist Jean-Claude Van Damme change his name to Jean-Claude Bloodsport.  (For my money, the best fight scene ever is Jean-Claude’s Frank Dux vs. Chong Li in the Kumite finals in Bloodsport, followed closely by Rocky vs. Clubber Lang II in Rocky III.)  Regardless, Gracie Law is played by the beautiful Kim Cattrall.  We initially see her in the movie because she is assisting a young Chinese girl emigrate to the United States.  She quickly catches the eye of Jack (as Kim Cattrall does with most men).  Jack immediately tries to pick her up, while Wang is picking up his fiancee, Miao Yin.

 

00:12:30-As legendary WWE announcer Jim Ross would say, “business is about to pick up”.  The Lords of Death have arrived on scene and just kidnapped Wang’s fiancee, Miao Yin.  They’re dragging her towards the parking garage with Jack and Wang in pursuit.  This part of the movie is probably the hardest to believe.  I realize airport security wasn’t the same in 1986 as it is today, but at no point in American history has an Asian street gang been able to pull off a broad daylight kidnapping right at an airport gate.

00:13:15-Jack and Wang run into the parking garage, but the Lords of Death are nowhere to be found.  We hear tires squealing and a car pulls out of a parking spot.  Our Lords of Death are making their escape in…a Pontiac Trans Am!  No import cars here.  Nope, the Lords of Death are driving the Official Car of the Dirt Bag.  It doesn’t matter if you’re a skinhead trying to intimidate the locals, a meth dealer making a pseudo-ephedrine run, or an Asia street gang pulling off a kidnapping, the Pontiac Trans Am is your mode of transportation.  (Although the point can be made the Pontiac Trans Am is terrible for kidnappings.  There is NO room in the backseat for a hostage.)

00:16:16-Jack and Wang have managed to stay close enough to the Pontiac Trans Am in Jack’s semi tractor to follow the Lords of Death to Chinatown.  The Pork Chop Express has managed to squeeze its way down a narrow alley way.  There’s no sign of the Trans Am, but they find themselves face to face with an oncoming funeral.  There is a group of Chinese guys walking towards them wearing yellow sashes and turbans.  Wang tells Jack these are Chang Sings.  This is a funeral procession for their recently assassinated leader.  Wang assures Jack these are the good guys.  Jack happens to glance into his mirrors and sees some other guys walking up behind his truck.  This leads to one of my favorite exchanges in BTILC:

“Wang, these guys, these Sing Dings…”

“Chang Sings!”

“They got enemies?”

“Wing Kong.”

“Who wear red turbans?”

(Wang notices Wing Kongs in the truck’s mirrors, too) “Holy shit!  These guys are animals, Jack!”

The Wing Kong then draw guns and open fire on the funeral procession.  The Chang Sings respond with gunfire as well.  After a brief gun battle, everyone takes defensive positions.  There is a pause in the violence, and the music stops.  After a few seconds, both sides emerge from their cover brandishing handheld weapons.  Wang tells Jack this is a Chinese standoff, and orders him to not make a sound.  After a few seconds of silence, all start yelling and then charge one another.  A fight ensues that features every extra from every kung fu movie you’ve ever seen.  One of the guys is a spitting image of Jackie Chan, but it’s not him.

00:20:19-Things have taken a turn for the worst now.  A puff of green smoke has appeared in the middle of the fight.  A man wearing a large straw hat jumps out of the smoke.  Everyone stops fighting to look at the latest entry in the fracas.  Another man wearing an oversized straw hat floats to the ground from the sky.  Finally, a third guy descends to the battle on a bolt of lightning.  Lightning is crackling from his entire body.  Basically, it’s Raiden from Mortal Kombat.  (MK creators have acknowledged Raiden was inspired by BTILC).  The Chang Sings open fire on the new arrivals, but bullets seem to have no effect.  The new guys then each pull out a bizarre looking weapon.  Seriously, I want you to study these pictures.  Boss Character #1 has a weird looking of knives.  Boss Character #2 has what appears to be extendable back scratchers.  Boss Character #3 has a small lawnmower blade on each hand.  They even start spinning on his hands.  This is the weapon that puzzles me most.  What a terrible design.  You can’t bend your fingers.  If you do, they will be in the path of the whirling blades.  Just try to keep your fingers extended at home right now.  Seriously, I’ll wait.  You back?  Ok, how long did it take for you to want to bend your fingers again?  1.8 seconds?  Anyway, our three Bosses start slaughtering everyone regardless of turban color.  Wang and Jack, who have been watching all of this from the safety of Jack’s truck, decide to split.

 

 

 

00:22:10-As they leave the alleyway, Jack runs over an elaborately dressed, 7-ft tall China man.  Wang tells Jack he thinks it was Lo Pan.  Jack gets out to check on the man, not knowing who Lo Pan is.  Jack finds himself face to face with the man he just ran over with his truck.  Think Shang Tsung from Mortal Kombat.  (Yes, Lo Pan was the inspiration for Shang Tsung.)  He looks at Jack and light shoots from his eyes and mouth.  Wang warns him not to look, but it’s too late:  Jack is blinded.  Wang grabs Jack and leads him down another alley.  Jack is freaking out because he can’t see.  Wang leads him to a puddle of water and splashes some in his eyes.  Jack immediately regains his sight.  That’s not really much of an attack for a guy who just survived being run over by a truck.  I mean it essentially does the same damage as an eyelash.

00:24:30-Wang and Jack have safely arrived at Wang’s restaurant, Dragon of the Black Pool.  I’m almost certain this is the name of an H.P. Lovecraft villain.  At the restaurant, we are introduced to three more characters.  Wang’s uncle Chu is at the restaurant, along with Egg Shen.  This is the first time Jack has actually met Egg Shen in the movie.  Finally, there is Eddie Lee.  Eddie is the Black Pool’s new maitre de.  He tells Jack the Lords of Death stole his truck, and that Lo Pan had actually ordered the assassination of the Chang Sings’ leader.  How the fuck does a maitre de know all of this?  This one man can tell you the perfect wine compliment to roasted duck AND who’s pulling the strings in Chinatown.  That’s a versatile movie character if I ever saw one.  Everyone is trying to bring Jack up to speed on the local legends regarding David Lo Pan and Chinese mythology in general.  Remember the three Boss guys from earlier?  They’re called The Three Storms, and they’re powerful martial artists/sorcerers who work for Lo Pan. While everyone is talking at the restaurant, Gracie Law shows up again.  Gracie has learned (probably from Eddie) that Wang’s fiancee, Miao Yin has been sold to a brothel.  In fact, she was a prized purchase for the slavers because Miao Yin has green eyes, and Chinese women don’t have green eyes very often.  Jack and Wang will try and rescue her.

00:28:00-Wang and Jack arrive at the brothel.  Their plan is to have Jack pose as a john, and try to “rent” Miao Yin for the night.  He would then help her escape.  Jack’s nerdy business man disguise seems to be working well until he asks for a woman with green eyes.  He is informed Chinese women don’t have green eyes and that he would have to select another girl.  However, the house madam’s suspicions have been raised.  We see her make a phone call and the camera cuts away to a bound and gagged Miao Yin in a room in the brothel.

00:31:16-The whole building starts shaking.  Remember that green fire we saw earlier?  It’s back and covering the roof of our favorite brothel.  Lightning bolts blow holes into the rooftop, and Miao Yin is carried away on a bolt of lightning by Lightning.  Seriously, his name is Lightning.

00:33:10-Everyone is now at the offices of reporter, Margo Litzenberger.  Margo was actually briefly introduced a few scenes back.  She is doing a story on the Chinatown criminal underworld, and was conducting surveillance on the brothel where Miao Yin was being held.  She tells Jack that David Lo Pan is the Godfather of Little China.  He is chairman of the National Orient Bank and owns the Wing Kong Import/Export Trading Company.  The consensus in the room is that Miao Yin was likely taken to the Wing Kong warehouse.  Yes, this Wing Kong Import/Export Company is the same Wing Kong as the street gang that wears red turbans.  Note to would-be criminal masterminds:  don’t name your company after the street gang you employ as muscle.  In light of this discovery, why were the Three Storms killing Wing Kong gang members earlier in the big fight scene.  They work for the same guy!

00:34:56-Jack and Wang now drive to the Wing Kong warehouse.  Their plan is to pose as telephone repairmen and waltz into the building.  Before they enter, Jack looks at Wang and says, “This is gonna take crackerjack timing, Wang.”  My brother-in-law and I usually find a way to work that into conversation at family get-togethers.  It’s not funny on the surface, but Kurt Russell’s delivery of that line cracks me up every time.

00:38:44-Jack and Wang walked into the building and their plan is seemingly working.  They walked right past security and into the interior of the warehouse.  They discover a secret elevator that takes them to…a room filled saltwater.  Oh, and there are dead bodies hanging from chains.  Once they surface, Wang tells Jack this is the “Hell of the Upside Down Sinners”.  A hole in the ceiling reveals one of the Three Storms: Wind.

00:40:00-Wind takes Jack and Wang to meet David Lo Pan.  As opposed to the 7-ft tall Chinaman Jack previously ran over, Lo Pan is a small, withered old man who is bound to a wheel chair.  Lo Pan makes it clear that he needs green-eyed Miao Yin for nefarious purposes.  He is essentially a ghost or illusion.  He intends to sacrifice Miao Yin to his demon lord, Ching Dai.  As a reward, Ching Dai will Lo Pan flesh and blood again.  Jack is not really buying what Lo Pan is saying:  “Are you crazy?  Is that what your problem is?”

00:44:00-The rest of the gang has entered the building out of concern for Jack and Wang.  Gracie demands a tour of the building.  A voice from off to the side tells them he can give them a tour.  This voice belongs to Thunder, the last of the Three Storms.  He’s traded in his oversized straw hat for a dapper suit.  He quickly leads to an elevator where they fall victim to the old poison-gas-in-the-elevator trick.  Thunder is not bothered by the poison gas at all. (Fortunately for her, my wife has a similar skill.  That’s right, folks: I made a fart joke.)

00:46:00-Jack and Wang are blindfolded and imprisoned in a room.  Wang levels with Jack, and tells him that Lo Pan actually entered his current state in 272 BC, making him slightly older than Duke Nukem Forever.  Their talk is interrupted when they hear Thunder opening their cell door.  They quickly put back on their blindfolds to simulate an imprisoned state.  To be a powerful magician and martial artist, Thunder is apparently not very smart because Jack’s trusty knife was never confiscated from Jack’s trusty boots.  Really Thunder?  No pat down or search?  Lo Pan should call him Blunder.  Jack makes his move and jumps on Thunder’s back with his knife.  Thunder starts breathing heavily and swells in size.  This breaks Jack’s grasp on him.  I’m not really feeling this ability.  It’s sort of like Meg’s fast-growing fingernails in the “Super Griffins” episode of Family Guy.  Jack and Wang quickly recover and lock Thunder inside the room.  They soon find Eddie who tells them Gracie and Margo are being held somewhere in the warehouse.

00:51:00-Jack, Wang, and Eddie find a room full of cages in the warehouse.  In addition to Gracie and Margo, there are several women being held captive as well, no doubt headed to the employment of the various brothels owned by the Wing Kong.  They manage to fight through the guards and free the women, and eventually escape through the sewers.  However, before they can make their exit from the building, a secret door opens and a hairy arm grabs Gracie.  No one else sees this.  The camera cuts to a shot of a hairy, long-toothed monster.  A screaming Gracie is scooped up and taken to a dungeon.  So after one hour of movie, Jack and Wang still have no Miao Yin, no Porkchop Express, and no Gracie Law.

01:01:00-Lo Pan walks into the dungeon where Gracie is being kept.  He notices she has green eyes.  He also delights in her spunk noting “this one has fire as well!”  Lo Pan realizes the perfect plan will be to sacrifice either Miao Yin or Gracie to Ching Dai, and keep the other one for himself as a bride.  Makes perfect sense to me.  The Gamer’s Middle Finger does not endorse human sacrifice or forced marriages, but even I recognize a pragmatic plan when I see one.

01:02:00-By now, we all know the plot.  Someone’s getting killed, someone’s getting married, and there is no sign of the Pork Chop Express.  Jack and Wang have met up with Egg Shen at his occult shop.  As it turns out, Egg is a very wealthy man in addition to driving a tour bus.  He owns several buildings on his block.  We are led to believe he’s probably a lot older than what he lets on.  He assembles several magical weapons and potions.  In addition to his shop’s supplies, several Chang Sings have agreed to accompany them into the Little China underworld to rescue Gracie and Miao Yin, and destroy Lo Pan.

01:09:00-While walking through the underworld, a large worm-like monster emerges from a hole and eats a member of the Chang Sing.  This is not the most shocking thing encountered in the Little China underworld…

01:14:00-We are shown a glimpse of the large room where the ritual/marriage will take place.  It is here we encounter the most shocking aspect of the Little China underworld:  an abundance of neon lights!  Who knew the underworld was so glitzy?  This is the perfect room for a sacrifice, as well as bottomless well drinks.  Well, I should shut up.  The wedding is about to begin.  Hey, here comes the groom…

 

01:16:00-Lo Pan is floating into the room, or is he?  Hey, it’s a fucking escalator!  The Little China underworld has neon lights and a goddamn escalator.  This is the most modern dungeon ever constructed.  It’s like having a microwave and cell phone in hell.  The camera cuts away to Jack and crew, who have not gone to the ceremony room yet.  Egg has them all drink a magic potion that will allow them to see and hear things no other man can.  (Apparently, this magic potion is moonshine.)  Egg stresses that Lo Pan must complete his ritual.  He must become flesh and blood before they can kill him.  They then take an elevator down to the bottom level of the underworld.

01:19:00-Our group is spotted, and a massive fight breaks out.  Wang draws out his swords and goes toe to toe with Wind of the Three Storms in an epic duel.  Lots of wire fighting here.  Jack has a clear shot at Lo Pan with his gun, but Thunder grabs the gun from Jack’s hand and fucking shatters it.  This is probably the coolest thing I have ever seen in a Hollywood fight scene.  Thunder shatters that gun into a thousand pieces.  While not exactly smart, it is now clear what Thunder brings to the table.  Lo Pan has seemingly completed his ritual, and is now flesh and blood.  We know this because he inserted a needle into his flesh and bled.  However, neither Gracie or Miao Yin has been sacrificed.  Ching Dai is apparently a very trusting evil demon lord.  He will go ahead and grant you a gift before you complete the sacrifice.

01:23:00-Lo Pan escapes the room with Miao Yin.  Jack finds Gracie and helps her out of the ceremony room.  Wang’s epic sword fight with Wind comes to a end when he throws a sword through him as Wind was flying in for an attack.  The first of the Three Storms has fallen.

01:26:00-Jack and Gracie stumble across Lo Pan, Thunder, and Miao Yin in a hallway.  Wang quickly comes bouncing into the hallway as well.  They try to fight Thunder, but this is a mistake.  Wang tries to run away, and Thunder follows.  This leaves Jack to take on Lo Pan.  Jack throws knife at Lo Pan, but it goes sailing past Lo Pan and bounces off a gong.  Lo Pan, Miao Yin, and Gracie all turn to look at Jack as if to say, “Really?  That’s the best you got?”  Lo Pan bends over and picks up the knife.  He says farewell to Jack and throws the knife at him.  In one motion, Jack catches the knife and flings it back at Lo Pan, scoring a direct hit in the forehead.  Lo Pan falls over dead.  Jack reminds Gracie “it’s all in the reflexes”.  Lo Pan’s magic was apparently the only thing holding the underworld, neon lights, and escalators together as the entire structure starts to crumble.

01:28:00-And now we have the greatest movie suicide ever.  Thunder runs back into the room and sees Lo Pan dead on the ground.  Remember how he made himself bigger earlier?  He does it again here, only he doesn’t stop.  He keeps growing and growing until he explodes himself.  While this is the coolest movie suicide ever, it’s also the cheesiest special effects.  You don’t see him explode, but rather you get a camera shot of his “guts” exploding from around a corner.  It essentially looked like a guy off camera tossing a bucket of cabbage in front of the camera’s view.  Wind and Thunder are down, but Lightning is still in the building…

 

01:30:00-As Jack, Wang, Miao Yin, and Gracie are trying to find a way out of the collapsing structure, they look through a hole in the ceiling and see Egg and the surviving Chang Sings have managed to get to an upper level.  Egg has some kind of Batman winch gun which he shoots down to their level.  One by one, they climb the rope to the upper level.  As they do, Lightning finally turns up.  As he starts to levitate toward the hole in the ceiling, our heroes shove a statue into the hole crushing Lightning in a ball of sparks.

01:31:00-The underworld was directly underneath the Wing Kong warehouse.  Our party manages to escape through the building.  While running for safety, they find a room that houses Jack’s Pork Chop Express.  Everyone piles into the truck, and they drive safely away from the scene.

01:33:00-It’s celebration time at The Black Pool.  Egg tells Jack he’s going on a long vacation now that Lo Pan has been defeated.  A man of his word, Wang pays Jack the money he owed him from their gambling at the beginning of the movie.  In fact, Wang gives Jack “nothing or triple”, telling him he earned it.  Jack’s reply?  “You’re right.  I did.”  This leaves us with Jack and Gracie, who have had a blossoming romance throughout the movie.  Gracie suggests he buy a bigger truck with a cab in the back that could hold two people.  Jack declines and tells her that he eventually wears out his welcome.  Margo is incredulous that he doesn’t even kiss her goodbye.  As Jack leaves the restaurant, Wang walks him to the front door.

“Bye, Jack.”

Jack stops and turns around, “We really shook the pillars of heaven, didn’t we, Wang?”

“No horseshit, Jack.”

“No horseshit.”

01:36:00-Our movie ends the way it started.  Jack is driving alone down a road on a rainy night, and bragging into his CB radio.  The last shot we see is a pan to the rear of his truck, and the hairy monster that kidnapped Gracie has managed to sneak onto his truck.  The credits roll, and the worst movie theme song ever begins to play.  It’s called “Big Trouble in Little China”.  You know the guys who did the Weird Science movie theme?  Well, BTILC’s theme was written by their drunken stepbrothers.  It is simply awful, and IS NOT TO BE MISSED.

 

Lastly, I want to give credit where due.  Lo Pan was played to perfection in this movie by the great James Hong.  He struck the perfect balance of insane old man and cartoony mega villain.  Even as you root against him, you’ll have a grin on your face the whole time.

If you’re still here, let me know in the comments below if you liked this treatment of BTILC.  I always welcome ay discussion of BTILC.  You can also email me at steve@thegamersthumb.com.  If this is popular with you guys, I’ll try to periodically take a similar look at some of our geek favorites.  I think Ghostbusters would be a prime candidate for the next running diary…